so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
