I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
