U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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