from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
