Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
