this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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