I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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