My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
