Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
