my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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