Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
