I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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