That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
