I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
