i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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