He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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