I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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