i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
