when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
