if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
