I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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