Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
