I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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