I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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