Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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