I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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