Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
