If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
