Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
