first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
