I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
