Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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