I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
did i just pee glitter
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
