i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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