My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
