winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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