probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
