My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
