How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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