I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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