Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
