I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
