Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
