Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
