I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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