Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
being pregnant is like rehab
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
