I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Blood and glitter go together right?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
