I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
