how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize