I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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