Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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