in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
