Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
